This is FAR AND AWAY the worst story I’ve ever read.
The Bakemaster stoked the Forge of Eternity to a precise 350 degrees, nodding in satisfaction. He thundered to his minions:
“Bring forth the 100% whole grain wheat, oil, and salt!”
And it was done. They brought golden strands of grain, upon which he cast a spell of grinding. The oil was from far away C’Anola, the salt scavenged from the shores of a dangerous inland lake whose Sirens lured bakers to their death.
“Because of their three primary ingredients, let these delicious crackers henceforth be known as TRI-SCUITS!"
The Forge glowed brighter, kissed by the fiery breath of Nab-Isco, the chained demon who was also pretty good at marketing. 350 degrees and 20 minutes later the TRI-SCUITS were complete!
The Bakemaster took up a single cracker between thumb and forefinger, examined it, popped it into his mouth, chewed thoughtfully. A look of disgust passed across his face.
"THESE TASTE LIKE ASS!” he bellowed, frantically wiping cracker bits off his tongue.
“What’d you expect?” Nab rattled a chain. “Only three ingredients? You’re literally eating wheat, oil, and salt. Eww.”
It’s amazing what a little dill or rosemary will accomplish.