Within seconds, your life is about to get even easier.
In my experience, most of these miraculous “life hacks” aren’t worth a damn. I’ve actually tried several, but I usually have more sense. Here are my thoughts on a random list—there are millions.
1. QUICK AND EASY IPHONE SPEAKER: Sure, it’s quick and easy if you happen to carry around a used asswipe roll for just such occasions. I can just imagine busting out this trick at a social event. “Hey guys! We don’t have any other way to enjoy music together, but there’s plenty of toilet paper!” After all, every Russian Roulette party needs the appropriate sound system. You’ve spent so much time assembling the perfect play list, now seal the deal.
2. TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR “FRIENDS” WHEN YOU LOAN THEM THINGS: “Sure, you can borrow it, but let me get your mugshot on file because I do not trust you to return it. In fact, the idea of loaning you a ten-dollar DVD makes me sick, but I don’t want to be rude.”
3. ICE CUBES IN THE DRYER: Yes, this is very efficient when you’re operating a major appliance just for one Goddamned T-shirt.
4. MICROWAVING PIZZA WITH WATER: The water will make no difference unless you’re nuking pizza for more than 45 seconds, in which case, you are doing something wrong. If you’re that afraid of chewy crust, get your ass out of the dorm and your pizza out of the microwave.
5. GRILLED CHEESE IN A TOASTER: Do NOT operate your toaster on its side. You can burn your house down, you can scorch your countertop, and at the very least, you can dump years’ worth of filth onto your food. This is not a “life hack.” This is a “Hey guys, watch this!” (And if you’re having that much trouble combining toast and cheese, PLEASE ask an adult for help.)
6. LIGHTING A CANDLE WITH SPAGHETTI: Having some trouble getting a candle lit with a fucking match? Simply open up a whole pack of dry pasta. Burn some complex starches and store the leftovers. Yes, lighting a fucking candle doesn’t have to be such an impossible dream any longer.
7. MICROWAVING YOUR LEFTOVERS IN A CIRCLE: Oh, sweet Jesus’s son, the collective years of my life I’ve wasted stirring. All this time, I’ve been microwaving old noodles for 30 or 45 seconds at a time, and now you’re telling me that I could have just spent that same amount of time spacing my food out FIRST!?
8. PUSHING ELEVATOR BUTTONS LOTS OF TIMES: Okay…does anyone really have this problem? I don’t live that kind of life, but I guess if you frequently find yourself stuck on an elevator after someone has pressed many buttons, it could be a real time saver.
9. MASHING YOUR LEFTOVER FRAGMENTS OF SOAP TOGETHER: Ugh! Who even still uses bar soap? That shit is gross. You want a life hack? Get a bottle of body wash and a fucking lather puff and stop washing 27 washcloths every week. (BONUS HACK: You can use one bottle of body wash for up to a year if you just refill it with water when it’s half empty.)
10. No, I don’t need an inexpensive cookbook holder, but thanks anyway.
11. WRAPPING BEVERAGES IN WET PAPER TOWELS: I’ve never actually tried it. It might work, but putting a drink in ice water definitely does—probably in half the time.
12. FROZEN SPONGE ICEPACK: Yeah, pretty much anything frozen in a Ziplock bag makes an icepack that won’t drip. Here are some things to try if you don’t have a sponge handy: ice, wet paper towels, a beverage wrapped in wet paper towels.
13. HOLDING A NAIL WITH A CLOTHESPIN: This is a problem for all of us who aren‘t ordinary, capable NON-useless pussies. We all have hammers and nails and things that need hammering/nailing, but what kind of techno-wizard owns his own pliers and/or tweezers? Fortunately, all modern households are stocked with 19th-century luddite laundry aids. (I keep my clothespins in the birth control drawer next to the alligator clips and vice grips.)
14. YOU’RE USING YOUR SHOE AS A CUPHOLDER: I don’t feel the need to add anything here.
15. USING A MUFFIN TIN TO CUT DOWN ON DISHWASHING: FUCK YOU!! There is nothing I would rather wash less than a muffin tin. Nothing fits into my dishwasher more awkwardly and wastes more time and space than a muffin tin. It also seems like a great way for your fucking fat, stumbling drunk guests to drop every conceivable condiment into every other conceivable condiment. Just look at that picture. These thumbless fucks already have onions covering the entire mayonnaise chamber, and this is before a bunch of mouth-breathing slobs and kids with chronic Kool-Aid mouth mess everything up beyond recognition. Fuck your whole cookout, asshole.
16. COFFEE ICE CUBES: This seems like it might work. I don’t know. I don’t drink that pretentious shit.
17. CHARGING YOUR PHONE IN AIRPLANE MODE: Fuck you and your Goddamned phone. The REAL WORLD is over here. Try it sometime.
18. EXHALE WHEN YOUR LEFT FOOooooaaahahaHAHAHA!!! What the fuck!? How the hell did this even get here? Maybe this has something to do with why there are 18 entries in a list with “16” in the title.