Masterpost of Terrible Coping Skills
1. Go outside and eat some random plants. You’re already having suicidal thoughts. Give it a whirl.
2. Flush random things down a toilet. Not a toilet that you pay for. The last part is key.
3. Buy a whoopie cushion, fill it with goop, give it to a friend. Watch them squeeze it hard looking for a fart noise and get gooped instead. I hope you’re a faster runner than they are.
4. Wake up early in the morning to scream back at the birds.
5. Go on facebook, go through your weirdest connection’s friends and find their weirdest friend, go through their weirdest friends’ weirdest friends and keep going until you find a furry or a Nazi.
6. Buy some chicken feet at the store and put them in weird places.
7. Hold a fake dinner party with nonsense food mashups and pressure your guests to eat it.
8. Attempt to sneak some clearance rack dildos into a natural history museum.
9. Take your shirt off, nipples out, put sunscreen in the shape of a pentagram on your chest, burn a little, and revel in the dark forces.
10. Grab your own ass firmly and pretend its your celebrity crush.
11. Make some sugar cookie dough, form it into genitals, bake at 350 for 12 minutes, take some funny selfies eating dick N balls cookies.
12. Put a lot of frozen chicken nuggets in your parent/roommate’s bed.
13. Share an ice cream cone with your cat.
14. Find painfully obvious stock photos of a dog in a clown suit, put the pictures in a missing dog flyer, and wait for people to call you in concern about Clown Dog.
15. Write a professional seeming yelp account reviewing only the toilets of all your local restaurants.
16. Drink.
17. Buy some coloring books and draw erotic things outside the lines.
18. Fall in love with somebody better than you lol.
19. Prepare an irresponsibly overflowing pot of pasta and throw it at things with your bare hands.
20. Make a Frankenstein Burger by mashing several different restaurants’ dollar menu selections together. Eat it.
21. Dice up a whole onion, put it in a mason jar, and leave it on a hot porch. Eventually the fermentation and heat will cause an explosion. Onion Jars make great gifts.
22. Put a drastically revealing swimsuit on your goblin body and go to your local pool. Scare some people, bask in the fear.
23. Mix different foods with mayonnaise and raisins, write recipes, put it on a food blog and confirm the white stereotypes (only works if you’re white).
24. Go up to other sad people you see on the street and tell them, “You’re not better than me.”
25. Go get ridiculous 12 inch long nails at a salon. Creep through your neighborhood at night with a wig and face paint whispering improvised latin and dragging your claws on things.