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mental health

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Every few years after I’ve been not-depressed for an extended period of time I’ll try to wean off my meds. I’ll be fine for a month or two, then one or more of the following starts to happen:

*I start getting daily headaches again.

*I start feeling blue (I haven’t been suicidal in nearly ten years, so there’s that at least).

*My thoughts get… Jumbled. I’ve had a friend describe it kind of like having bees in his brain. I just can’t focus. Can’t organize my thoughts. Can’t get things done. Inattentive ADHD overdrive.

*Sleep gets more disturbed than usual.

*Credit card balances start to rise and oftentimes there’s not really anything of value to show for it.

*Uncontrollable obsessive thoughts.

*Doing and agreeing to things on the fly without thinking it out fully.

And then I remember, oh yeah. This is why I have a bipolar 2 diagnosis, not just an ADHD one. Even if it’s not severe and I’m high functioning, that’s because we found a medication combination that works well for me… While also keeping my headaches at bay.

Fuck, I get tired of swallowing pills, but also I like to sleep and feel like I’m good at my job, and this week I just have not been able to get things done. Thankfully it’s not a heavy workload week.

But yeah… I think Dr. Pomerleau was right years ago when he was talking to me about depression vs bipolar disorder. He said some people get depressed, then they either take meds for a while or do therapy or just eventually get better, oftentimes it’s situational. Then some of us less lucky ones have chemical imbalances and struggle forever. If we manage to find meds that work, we may be taking them our entire lives in order to be “okay”.

I would love to do the ketamine therapy treatments if it was more affordable. But I don’t know if it would help with the hypomanic symptoms as much as the depression.

If intelligent design is real, then the gods are all assholes. “God will never give you more than you can handle”? Oh? Up to 50% of people with bipolar disorder attempt suicide (myself included), and a whopping 15% succeed.

Needles to say, I’m gonna set a reminder to take my drugs. And I’m sorry if I struggle to follow through on things. Also, big shout out to the strawberry friends.

Just don’t do it.

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I try to keep my woke-ness in check. But seriously. SERIOUSLY. If you work in public service roles such as healthcare or law enforcement, and someone is having a good ol’ public freakout of one variety or another, you should absolutely, 100%, hands down, refrain from calling them crazy or say things like “Stop it with that crazy stuff." 

You might not mean it in a harmful way, but there are nearly six million Americans who suffer from bipolar disorder, and at least as many with autism. And those are just two out of a diagnostic manual two inches thick of mental health-realted disorders (which also includes substance abuse disorders- we’re not going to argue personal opinions about whether or not addiction is a disease- our medical community agrees it is, at least on some level). 

If you’re in a position where your job is to literally to help the community, that sometimes means you’re going to deal with people in the midst of a crisis. Most people with mental health issues, including bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and autism pose very little risk of violence, BUT they frequently have difficulty regulating emotions, and something that might seem minor to you may be causing their brain to set off alarms. And you’re literally never going to de-escalate a crisis by telling said person to stop acting crazy. 

We’ve had a few crisis situations that involved cops over the years, and honestly, most of them have not been negative experiences. Stressful, last result experiences, yeah, but they’ve never ended with a cop tackling this kid in the middle of a freakout. I think most LEOs will straight up tell you that this is not something they’re well trained to deal with, and their job is law enforcement, not crisis management. It’s highly recommended that you go through the health system if possible, but that’s just not always an immediate solution. I appreciate that they acknowledge this, and I especially appreciate the agencies who are listening to the public cries for reform that involves crisis response training and teams who specialize in substance abuse and mental health. (See link below re: Carrollton Police Department – Georgia recently receiving a crisis response grant, and my sister mentioned just this morning how much focus a local LEO has put on mental health-related issues in Haralson County as Sheriff.) 

But damn. As much progress as we are making in this area, it’s just that much more frustrating when someone DOES say something like this. So, yeah, just don’t. Keep it professional. 

https://carrolltonga.com/city-gets-crisis-response-team-grant/

Bad Day

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I grab the gun from the bed

Tossing it across the room

Fighting him until I am sore the next day

To keep him from getting to it before I do

To keep him from unlocking the case

And equipping the chamber

With his last bad day.

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I genuinely apologize to anyone in my past who was made to feel like my depression or suicidal thoughts were their responsibility or that my life was in their hands. That is an impossible burden to bear.

Don’t Touch My Shine

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I
don’t take my medications like I’m supposed to. My bipolar disorder is
mild, and the medications (some of them) are expensive. At least the
ones without the ridiculous side effects. So I split pills into pieces,
and I skip days. Sometimes too many days. I hate them, but I know I’m
going to spend the rest of my life taking them, even if I skip days and
take less than I’m supposed to.

And I’ll have days where I feel
like I can accomplish anything. I’ll make plans for the future like
going back to school. And come up with cool painting projects that I’ll
never finish. And post forty Facebook posts in a span of two hours
because everything is funny and beautiful and I want to share the things
I enjoy with the people I enjoy.

And sometimes, sometimes on
that very same day, I struggle to wake up or stay awake. And I’m too
complacent in doing nothing to even play a video game or watch a movie.
And nothing makes me feel good. Nothing makes me feel. And I realize
that I’ve been making goals and plans and I’m avoiding time alone, and
oh good gods I’m in over my head.

And I feel too much and nothing
at all, all at the same time. I cry at videos of good things happening
to people and animals on the internet. And I drown in my bitterness of
not being able to change situations that I’d like to improve in my life.

And I worry about the memories my children will have of me when they
are older because I’m not good at expressing joy… Or feeling it.

I get mad at myself for not singing and dancing because I’ve let
traumatic situations & abusive people allow me to shrink in shame
instead of embracing my shine.

And while I don’t have suicidal
ideation anymore (I’ll have to stay off meds a while for that to come
back), I sometimes want to disappear and not tell anyone where I’m
going. And wonder what, if anything, could truly make me HAPPY.

I’m sometimes too honest about things, but there is also so much that is
bottled up inside that sometimes my body literally physically aches
from the stress and anxiety. My sternum feels like it’s going to
implode.

And I can’t cope with my own mental illness, but I’m
also supposed to deal with a household full of people also struggling
with their own demons.

So I wonder what my breaking point is while at the same time refusing to give up, and it’s fucking exhausting.

And today is one of those days where everything feels too heavy. But
it’s okay because this year I am going to sing and dance, and my shine
is mine, and I’m going to fight people who try to steal the little bit
of joy that I do possess because it is precious, and it’s no one else’s
to take.

A rare political post

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How do you control the sale of guns to the mentally ill? I’m mentally ill. I’m stable and have rarely ever in my life shown out in a violent way. I don’t feel like, as a bipolar person, I should have a gun. But this is for my own safety, not for that of others. I can’t imagine ever using a gun to harm another person, but there have been times when I might have attempted to take my own life had a weapon been easily accessible. But if I choose, I can buy a gun. My background check is flawless.
But who decides how mentally ill or functional someone must be to be declined gun ownership? Should someone with anxiety or a history of depression be denied a weapon for self defense just because they went through a rough spell in their twenties? Should all mentally ill people be subject to a “list” as if they are criminals? What about the many, many people who have mental health issues but do not seek treatment?
I am against high capacity rifles in anyone’s hand. I’m sorry, but there’s not a single person I trust with that kind of power. Not one. But regulation is difficult to define and even more difficult to enforce. It’s a bit of a mess.
I think that Americans are not going to stand for heavy gun reform. Because of that, I believe that a push for more accessible mental health care is necessary. It’s unavailable for many, unaffordable for most, and the stigma of being labeled is a really heavy weight to bear.
It’s important for employers to work with people who suffer from mental illness – high levels of stress lead to instability. It’s important for communities, schools to offer programs that teach about acceptance and education on these issues. It’s very, very important that our emergency agencies learn about these things and how to diffuse situations with people who are either mentally unstable or just simply burned out and frustrated with life. It’s important to be there for people in your life who are struggling and offer a strong support system.
The guns aren’t going anywhere. That means that we have got to work on our mental health system and teaching our children coping skills and acceptance of others.

A rare political post

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How do you control the sale of guns to the mentally ill? I’m mentally ill. I’m stable and have rarely ever in my life shown out in a violent way. I don’t feel like, as a bipolar person, I should have a gun. But this is for my own safety, not for that of others. I can’t imagine ever using a gun to harm another person, but there have been times when I might have attempted to take my own life had a weapon been easily accessible. But if I choose, I can buy a gun. My background check is flawless.
But who decides how mentally ill or functional someone must be to be declined gun ownership? Should someone with anxiety or a history of depression be denied a weapon for self defense just because they went through a rough spell in their twenties? Should all mentally ill people be subject to a “list” as if they are criminals? What about the many, many people who have mental health issues but do not seek treatment?
I am against high capacity rifles in anyone’s hand. I’m sorry, but there’s not a single person I trust with that kind of power. Not one. But regulation is difficult to define and even more difficult to enforce. It’s a bit of a mess.
I think that Americans are not going to stand for heavy gun reform. Because of that, I believe that a push for more accessible mental health care is necessary. It’s unavailable for many, unaffordable for most, and the stigma of being labeled is a really heavy weight to bear.
It’s important for employers to work with people who suffer from mental illness – high levels of stress lead to instability. It’s important for communities, schools to offer programs that teach about acceptance and education on these issues. It’s very, very important that our emergency agencies learn about these things and how to diffuse situations with people who are either mentally unstable or just simply burned out and frustrated with life. It’s important to be there for people in your life who are struggling and offer a strong support system.
The guns aren’t going anywhere. That means that we have got to work on our mental health system and teaching our children coping skills and acceptance of others.

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(via You’re not broken, and you’re not weak. Depression lies because Depression is a dick.)

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(via You’re not broken, and you’re not weak. Depression lies because Depression is a dick.)

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I had a long chat with an old friend this week.  The conversation began
with me telling her about how depressed I was.  We talked about our jobs
(she also works at my company, which we both love), about growing up and
developing goals in life, and just caught up on everyday stuff.  The
conversation ended with her telling me that she loved my positive
attitude, and depressed or not, our chat made her feel better (me too). 

I reminded her that I’ve been dealing with this depression stuff
for a quarter of a century at this point (I mean, it started when I was ten for fucks sake), and one of the things I’ve
learned in that time is that I can’t fix the depression… but I can do
things like make sure to stick with my meds, take a little time for
myself every now and then, find things to laugh about, and try to keep a
positive outlook.  It won’t cure my ailment, but it’ll make it easier
to bear. 

It’s so easy to let the depression suck you into a black
hole of despair, and trying to stay positive can be a little bit tiring,
but you HAVE to.  You have to keep hope.  You have to laugh, even if
it’s only for a few seconds here and there.  You have to keep good people around you
and have a job that you enjoy.  You HAVE to TRY.  Or the disease wins. 

I
felt like crap today, but I got a lot done.  I wasn’t necessarily
pretending to be in a good mood while shoe shopping, but my kid got some
much needed new kicks, I found a pair of purple All Stars for $25, and
we managed to find some other things on our
list.  I went grocery shopping.  I
listed some paintings on Etsy.  And I helped the SO with a kick-ass
dinner.  I even did the dishes (you know, loaded the machine) after
dinner.  I’m exhausted, and I’ve fought back tears a few times today…
but I feel like I accomplished so much.  Tomorrow I have to finish
putting away Christmas crap, but I’ll have the rest of the day to paint
and/or just chill.

‪#‎actuallybipolar‬ ‪#‎notgonnaletitwin‬ ‪#‎kicktheSADtothecurb‬ ‪#‎ievendidthedishestoday‬

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I had a long chat with an old friend this week.  The conversation began
with me telling her about how depressed I was.  We talked about our jobs
(she also works at my company, which we both love), about growing up and
developing goals in life, and just caught up on everyday stuff.  The
conversation ended with her telling me that she loved my positive
attitude, and depressed or not, our chat made her feel better (me too). 

I reminded her that I’ve been dealing with this depression stuff
for a quarter of a century at this point (I mean, it started when I was ten for fucks sake), and one of the things I’ve
learned in that time is that I can’t fix the depression… but I can do
things like make sure to stick with my meds, take a little time for
myself every now and then, find things to laugh about, and try to keep a
positive outlook.  It won’t cure my ailment, but it’ll make it easier
to bear. 

It’s so easy to let the depression suck you into a black
hole of despair, and trying to stay positive can be a little bit tiring,
but you HAVE to.  You have to keep hope.  You have to laugh, even if
it’s only for a few seconds here and there.  You have to keep good people around you
and have a job that you enjoy.  You HAVE to TRY.  Or the disease wins. 

I
felt like crap today, but I got a lot done.  I wasn’t necessarily
pretending to be in a good mood while shoe shopping, but my kid got some
much needed new kicks, I found a pair of purple All Stars for $25, and
we managed to find some other things on our
list.  I went grocery shopping.  I
listed some paintings on Etsy.  And I helped the SO with a kick-ass
dinner.  I even did the dishes (you know, loaded the machine) after
dinner.  I’m exhausted, and I’ve fought back tears a few times today…
but I feel like I accomplished so much.  Tomorrow I have to finish
putting away Christmas crap, but I’ll have the rest of the day to paint
and/or just chill.

‪#‎actuallybipolar‬ ‪#‎notgonnaletitwin‬ ‪#‎kicktheSADtothecurb‬ ‪#‎ievendidthedishestoday‬

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wrongsara:

Maria Bamford is one of the top comedians in the country, but like many other people she suffers from bipolar disorder. Maria has discovered a website that helps her cope with the stigma of treating mental illness by using humor and community.

(Source: https://www.youtube.com/)

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I know a lot of creative people and perhaps by correlation I know a lot of people who struggle with depression. They have told me (and they’ve told the world) how depression sits there, implacable, and drains the color out of the world until no success or joy matters. I believe them, and it becomes increasingly evident that no matter who you are or what you’ve achieved, that depression is a good liar and can make you believe none of it matters.
 
I know and love too many people with depression to believe that it’s something that’s shameful to talk about or to acknowledge. I want them alive and I want them here with us. If you have depression I want you alive and here with us. Don’t let the moment take you. Don’t be afraid to get help. The people who love you want you here. Believe it.

John Scalzi

No matter what problems you are dealing with, we want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.

(via wilwheaton)

If you’ve never know the feeling of wanting to end your life, count your blessings and consider that you know someone out there who has. You never know when a kind word might make a world of difference. You never know when cruel words might be what tips the bucket. #marinate

Lots of numbers to call if you need help:
Helplines:

depression: 1-630-482-9696
suicide: 1-800-784-8433
lifeLine: 1-800-273-8255
trevor project: 1-866-488-7386
sexuality support: 1-800-246-7743
eating disorders: 1-847-831-3438
rape and sexual assault: 1-800-656-4673
grief support: 1-650-321-5272
runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000
exhale; after abortion: 1-866-4394253

Depression

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE (2433) – Can use in US, U.K., Canada and Singapore
Suicide Crisis Line: 1-800-999-9999
National Suicide Prevention Helpline: 1-800-273-TALK (8245)
National Adolescent Suicide Helpline: 1-800-621-4000
Postpartum Depression: 1-800-PPD-MOMS
NDMDA Depression Hotline – Support Group: 1-800-826-3632
Veterans: 1-877-VET2VET
Crisis Help Line – For Any Kind of Crisis: 1-800-233-4357
Suicide & Depression Crisis Line – Covenant House: 1-800-999-9999

Domestic Abuse

National Child Abuse Helpline: 1-800-422-4453
National Domestic Violence Crisis Line: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
National Domestic Violence Hotline (TDD:( 1-800-787-32324
Center for the Prevention of School Violence: 1-800-299-6504
Child Abuse Helpline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)
Domestic Violence Helpline: 1-800-548-2722
Healing Woman Foundation (Abuse:( 1-800-477-4111
Child Abuse Hotline Support & Information: 1-800-792-5200
Women’s Aid National Domestic Violence Helpline: (UK Only) 0345 023 468
Sexual Abuse Centre: (UK Only) 0117 935 1707
Sexual Assault Support (24/7, English & Spanish:( 1-800-223-5001
Domestic & Teen Dating Violence (English & Spanish: 1-800-992-2600

Alcohol & Drug Abuse

National Association for Children of Alcoholics: 1-888-55-4COAS (1-888-554-2627)
National Drug Abuse: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
Al-Anon/Alateen Hope & Help for young people who are the relatives & friends of a problem drinker:( 1-800-344-2666
Alcohol/Drug Abuse Hotline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
Be Sober Hotline: 1-800-BE-SOBER (1-800-237-6237)
Cocaine Help Line: 1-800-COCAINE (1-800-262-2463)
24 Hour Cocaine Support Line: 1-800-992-9239
Ecstasy Addiction: 1-800-468-6933
Marijuana Anonymous: 1-800-766-6779

Youth & Teen Hotlines

National Youth Crisis Support: 1-800-448-4663
Youth America Hotline: 1-877-YOUTHLINE (1-877-968-8454)
Covenant House Nine-Line (Teens:( 1-800-999-9999
Boys Town National: 1-800-448-3000
Teen Helpline: 1-800-400-0900
TeenLine: 1-800-522-8336
Youth Crisis Support: 1-800-448-4663 or 1-800-422-0009
Runaway Support (All Calls are Confidential:( 1-800-231-6946
Child Helpline: (UK Only) 0800 1111
Kids Helpline (Australia) 1800 55 1800

Pregnancy Hotlines

AAA Crisis Pregnancy Center: 1-800-560-0717
Pregnancy Support: 1-800-4-OPTIONS (1-800-467-8466)
Pregnancy National Helpline: 1-800-356-5761
Young Pregnant Support: 1-800 550-4900

Gay and Lesbian Hotlines

The Trevor Helpline (For homosexuality questions or problems:( 1-800-850-8078
Gay & Lesbian National Support: 1-888-THE-GLNH (1-888-843-4564)
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender (GLBT) Youth Support Line: 1-800-850-8078
Lesbian & Gay Switchboard: (UK Only) 0121 622 6589
Lothian Gay & Lesbian Switchboard – Scotland: (Scotland Only) 0131 556 4049

Other Hotlines

Self-Injury Support: 1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288) (www.selfinjury.com

 

)
Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention: 1-800-931-2237 (Hours: 8am-noon daily, PST)
Eating Disorders Center: 1-888-236-1188
Help Finding a Therapist: 1-800-THERAPIST (1-800-843-7274)
Panic Disorder Information and Support: 1-800-64-PANIC (1-800-647-2642)
TalkZone (Peer Counselors:( 1-800-475-TALK (1-800-475-2855)
Parental Stress Hotline: 1-800-632-8188
National AIDS Helpline: (UK Only) 0800 567 123

BLACK BOX

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Black Box is dumbed down, like most of what they know about bipolar disorder is directly from Wikipedia. Over simplified. Extremes without meds, everything is fine with them. Not how it works for most mentally ill people. Also, hallucinations are really uncommon in manic depression. It happens, but not to most people. Most of the first episode was literally them listing off all possible symptoms like every bipolar person has every single one of them.
She skipped one dose of her meds and within two or three hours she was in a creative Wonderland (more like the meth kicked in than her psychs wearing off). Then her wonderful boyfriend talks some sense into her (cause you know how manic people like to have others remind them that what they’re doing is wrong?), and she’s like, “Oh yeah, I SHOULD take my meds,” then she’s immediately mostly okay again.
Then she goes to work at a specialist facility and bitches about how other doctors do their jobs without getting suspended or fired for her extremely erratic behavior. Cause that’s how it works.
My understanding is most people don’t ENJOY mania/hypomania. It tends to be rather unpleasant. It’s not all sex and creativity and grandeur. It’s also confused thinking and psychosis and suicide attempts.  You don’t get to act that way and be a practicing neurologist.
I’ve never had an enjoyable experience with mania. Maybe because I only have mixed episodes, but the things that it brought out were all bad. I like the up swings when I only need four or five hours of sleep. But that’s not really mania.  My bpd is mild compared to most, and it’s pretty well managed with meds… and I still have a really, really hard time keeping an easy-peasy job.
The acting is mediocre and feels forced and unnatural.  I gave it a shot. It’s about as horrible as I expected.  Strike that.  Worse than I expected.

Can a Person with Bipolar Disorder be Happy? | Bipolar Burble Blog | Natasha Tracy

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Can a Person with Bipolar Disorder be Happy? | Bipolar Burble Blog | Natasha Tracy

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fcukur:

digbicks:

Romanticisation of Mental Illness, Kelsey Weaver

This really hit me hard jesus christ.

You’re Not Bipolar! | Timiarah.com

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You’re Not Bipolar! | Timiarah.com

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fantastic.

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This is how you help a depressed friend.  You just be there.  You can’t fix it, but you can let them know they’re not alone.

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Little clouds smile at me constantly.

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